Friday, November 15, 2013

Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting the site and thank you to everyone who is subscribed to my updates! I will not be posting to this page anymore. If you want to continue to follow my posts you can check them out at my website here. http://www.daniz.me/

<3 <3 <3


Sunday, May 5, 2013

"Pep Talk"

I wrote this to myself a while back. It helps me sometimes to re-read and reflect on it. Maybe you can find some encouragement in it. :) Oh BTW this stuff is based on my own experiences, examining the consequences I have observed from my behaviors in the past. I feel like I have pretty much learned "what not to do" the hard way...
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This world and the people in it are not perfect... in fact they aren't even slightly close. This includes you and me as well.

If you go around expecting the world and all the people in it to always do you right and for things to always work out for you; you are setting yourself up for a life full of disappointment, self-pity, fear and resentment.

If you go around expecting yourself to be perfect and always do the right thing; you are setting yourself up for a life full of disappointment, regret, shame, fear and arrogance.

Remember not everyone thinks the same way you do. We are all living on the same planet, each in our own little worlds. We can never completely get into someone elses world, but we can do our best to have empathy.

Let go of expectations. I don't mean in a "fuck it all" kind of way. Keep your boundaries, stand your ground and strive for excellence just remember to forgive others as well as yourself. Learn from the good and the bad experiences, because most things are not really all good or all bad. Learn from the wise people and the foolish people you encounter alike. Fuck self-pity. Don't live in regret and resentment. Give others the mercy and compassion you would like to receive.

Yes, this world is a fucked up place but there is beauty to witness here as well. Keep your mind here in the present because it is really all we have. Breathe, look around and know that you are a part of it all. The beauty and the brokenness, the sacred and the mundane.

Embrace the light, the shadows and the darkness; the pleasure and the pain; the harmony and the chaos.

Take a deep breath, relax your clenched jaw and look at the sky.



Sunday, April 21, 2013

Where I am Today ~~~Stream of Consciousness~~~

Where am I today? ~~~~~~~

I am in a lawn chair.
Under the shade, under the tree, under the sky in Louisiana with the breeze, a slight chill, the ants and the birds.

 

My boyfriend, or more like my "manfriend", or partner or the one that I love, the person I'm with is upstairs inside our apartment. He is not feeling well. He's been physically feeling that way for a while. His back and neck are all fucked up. He needs to have surgeries. His mouth is all fucked up too. He will need surgeries on that also. His blood pressure has been beyond high, but thankfully we are finally getting that under control.
 

We can't afford all these surgeries. They say money can't buy happiness and I totally agree with such sentiments. I was with a rather well of financially set fellow (whom is that way in part due to me) before, but still as miserable as ever. Money can't buy bliss, but I will say that it can bring some relief to the stream of anxiety that flows through your mind when you are worried about the enormous bills that one faces in life. At times, such can be overwhelming, and maybe there is a certain minimum that people require, or maybe I just need to work on appreciating what I have in the present moment. Maybe both...

On top of his health problems I have some problems of my own. Mine involve my mental health. I have dealt with them most of my life and overall I am in a good place but I recently ran out of one of my meds. Maybe I'm experiencing some withdrawal since I was on that one for years. Maybe it's all the extra stress going on right now. Maybe it's a mix of lots of things...

Sometimes I want to cut myself. Sometimes I want to smash my head into the wall. Sometimes I want to drink. Sometimes I feel confused, disconnected from the world. Sometimes I am too easily offended and emotional. I'm doing my best to hold it together. I haven't done anything very harmful or destructive so I think I am doing well, especially considering where I have been in my life. I know this will not destroy me. I will not let it. I have that awareness now. 

I told my boyfriend, or manfriend, or whatever you want to call him, that we need to support each other right now. He agrees. I think our tendency has been to be defensive and attack. This is a rough time for both of us. We are also in a young relationship, we just moved in together. We need to work together to get through this rough time. Let it make us stronger. Let us build each other up instead of turning on each other. Let us not tear each other apart. It feels like the world is working hard enough at that anyway. Let's just cuddle under the covers, in our bed, under the roof we work so hard to afford.


I enjoy living by the lake. Living by the trees and sitting with the flowers. I am learning that there are some things that are so lovely and so breathtaking that they can't be put into pictures and words. Art is something lovely to be marveled at in it's own way, but the raw beauty of nature can't be captured and duplicated. It must be experienced first hand. "The finger that points to the moon is not the moon." I was sitting by the lake the other day and I thought about writing a poem to show people how peaceful and connected to the world I felt. I realized it would be a useless endeavor. First of all I am not the greatest poet. Secondly, even if I was, you can't have your own experience with the lake unless you experience the lake. 

I have been running again, rain or shine. I have been working on my art again, drawing and taking pictures, to convey my experiences through a new experience. I have been going to meetings, making friends. I started volunteering at the treatment centers here too.

I went to the office for students with disabilities at my school. They are supposed to link me to some resources in the area for discounted mental health care. I am also supposed to be getting some financial aid from the school soon. I think things will be alright.

I like going on walks with my love, experiencing the lake, the sky and the sunset together.

The sun is going down now. It's starting to get cold. A one legged blue bird is hopping along the sidewalk. I better go upstairs and see what the one I love is up to. It's about time for dinner. 





Thursday, December 13, 2012

Self Preservation

Galen asked me last night "What were you thinking? Why would you drink Listerine? If the store stopped selling it you could have just gone to a bar to drink."

I can see now that when I decided to drink Listerine it was actually a twisted act of self preservation. As I walked out of the convenient store empty handed that night the thought did occur to me maybe I will go downtown and drink... or maybe I can find a bar around my house. I decided against it because I was afraid to. I knew the types of situations I got  into when I was drunk and unchaperoned in public.

I didn't feel like waking up in a strangers bed. I didn't feel like getting arrested for public intoxication or DWI. I didn't want to get into a wreck. I didn't want to get raped. I didn't want to end up spending the next several days missing and on a binge with strangers. I just wanted to go home, where I would be safe, and feel release from the intolerable consciousness of reality. I wanted to be the one in control. The only harm I wanted to experience would be at my own had.

Of course things still did not go quite the way I had planned that night. Once I start drinking things rarely ever do. I did end up in the hospital the next day but overall the biggest threat to my safety that night was me.

The world is poised and waiting to pounce on straggling young women roaming around in the dark. That night I decided that I didn't want to be ripped into pieces again.
_________________________________________
Note: This is the second post in a row related to my last hospital visit & relapse. I'm coming up on a year in serious recovery so I have been reflecting a lot on where I was, how I have changed and what areas I would like to improve. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pleasantries

Pleasantries


(A Christmas story about family in the Dani Z fashion. Based on a true story. 
Names may, or may not, have been changed to protect the guilty.)



“Hello. How are you?” the nurse says as she smiles and approaches me.

     I look down at myself. I’m wearing a torn purple sweater, my ex-boyfriend’s boxers and my rain boots. This is pretty much the dumbest thing anyone could have asked me right now but I understand the comfort of pleasantries. “I am… alright. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Have you seen your room yet?”

I shake my head no.

“Okay, come with me.”

      The sound of my boots clunking echoes as I follow her down the hallway. There are paper Santa Clauses and snowmen hanging from the ceiling and gold garland stapled to the walls. “The towels are over here, we eat meals over there but if the doctor gives you permission you can eat downstairs in the cafeteria. The group room is here but we won’t be having any groups the next two days because of the holiday. Here is your room, some shampoo, some soap, some toothpaste and a toothbrush.” I already know how things work here though. They don’t give us conditioner, mouthwash, hand sanitizer or anything else that has alcohol in it because we might drink it. We aren’t allowed to have anything pointy or with sharp edges. We can’t have anything with strings. No drawstrings on your pants or jacket hoods, no shoelaces. I found out we aren’t even allowed to have thongs or G-strings. The last time I came they wouldn’t let me bring in my underwear. I still find it amusing to imagine hanging myself with my thong. Death by G-string! There aren’t any mirrors here because we might break them and cut ourselves or each other with the pieces. The lids on the toilet tanks are bolted down, none of our doors lock and the thick windows don’t open. If I miss a meal because I’m asleep I can ask for snacks. They have cereal, chips and fruit. If I get cold I can ask for socks and extra blankets. If I can’t sleep I can ask for a pill.

“Do you have any questions?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Well I will be your nurse this evening. If you need anything let me or any of the other staff know. You know you got here just in time we are about to have dinner.”

I smiled at her. “Thank you.”

_________________________________________________________________

      I walk into the dining area, pull a Styrofoam container from the food cart and sit down at an empty table for my meal. The other patients stare at me and some of the younger ones come sit down next to me. Out in the real world I am not cool because people think I’m crazy. In here they know I’m crazy but they are too so it doesn’t matter. Since I am pretty they flock to me.

      My new friends and I begin swapping stories of how we ended up here. One guy says he was going to jump off the 10th story of the Frost tower but some cops stopped him and brought him in. One girl says she was brought here because she sliced her wrists open. She holds out her gauzed and bandaged arms to prove it. An older gentleman at the table next to us, that had been speaking with himself, yells out that he is here because he slammed his head into his driveway since the neighbor’s Chihuahua wouldn’t stop barking.

“Danielle” A nurse comes into the room and calls out my name.

“Yes”

“You have a call, someone named Daniel.”

It is my dad. He says my mom told him I am in the hospital. He is driving into town to see me tomorrow for Christmas.
______________________________________________________________

“Good morning! Merry Christmas. I am your nurse this morning and we need to get your vitals before breakfast.” After some prodding from her I take off my covers and sit on the edge of the bed. She looks at my clothes and frowns. She is the first person that seems to really notice them.

“Is someone going to bring you clothes today?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“I will get one of the aids to check the lost and found too see if there is something they can wash for you. I can’t believe they have you walking around here like that! Oh my goodness your sweater is all torn.” she says as if I didn’t notice.

“Is anyone going to come see you today?”

“Yes, my dad said he is going to be here.”

“Hmmm, visiting hours start at noon. We will make sure you have something by then.”

I smile. “Thank you.”
_____________________________________________________________

My dad walks in at 12 o’clock exactly. He’s right on time, as usual, wearing his sunglasses inside, as usual.

“Danielle, are you ok?” He asks as he hugs me and kisses the top of my head.

“I am alright dad. Do you want any juice or a snack?” I ask trying to change the subject.

“No Danielle. Let’s sit down.” We walk to the group room and sit next to each other at a table.

“Danielle what are you doing here again? You have to stop doing this Danielle. Are you still seeing that Brandon guy? Is this because of him? I know it’s hard but you have got to move on Danielle. You have to stop seeing this guy.” The one time a year I see him he has to lecture me about my relationships, as usual.

“No I’m not seeing him anymore.” I lie. “I’m just having medication issues. I stopped taking my medications and I haven’t been sleeping well.” It’s quiet for a minute and I start twisting my medical bracelet around on my wrist.

“Why did you do that Danielle? You know what happens when you stop.”

“I know. It was stupid to quit taking them. I won’t do it again. It’s not a big deal though. I felt a little bit suicidal but I am doing the right thing by coming here. I want to stay safe and take care of myself…” It is quiet again. I think for a moment about how alone I have felt my whole life and about the emptiness I feel inside. I think about how I’ve been trying to fill the void with alcohol, cum and shallow compliments and how so far it’s failed to work. Instead I just end up back here again and again. I would never tell him all that though. What’s the use?

“Don’t worry about me dad. I am going to take my medicine again. I’m going to start therapy and my meetings again too. I will be fine.”

He turns and faces me. I try looking past the darkness of his sunglasses to see into his eyes, like I have so many times, but it’s useless. Finally he says “I love you Danielle”. His voice cracks a little and a tear appears on his cheek. He lifts his hand and wipes it away. It’s gone as quickly as it appeared.

My eyes begin to feel a bit heavy… “I love you too Dad. Don’t worry I will be fine.”

“Ok Danielle. Please don’t stop taking your medicine anymore.” He almost sounds like he’s begging.

“I won’t. Really, don’t worry everything will be fine.” I say and give him a weak smile.

“Ok Danielle. Please take care of yourself. I have to get going. I love you.” We stand up. He gives me a long close hug and kisses the top of my head again.

“Bye Dad. I love you too.”

As he is escorted out by the staff one of the daytime nurses comes to me and asks “Where is he going? Is everything ok? He can stay longer if he wants we still have 45 minutes left before visitors have to leave.”

“I guess he is going back home.”

“Oh what part of town does he live in? Will he be back tomorrow?”

“He's from Fort Worth.”

“You mean he drove over three hours to Austin just to stay here for 15 minutes!?”

“I guess so. I know he cares about me. He’s just never been strong enough to stay.”

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Monsters

I'm laying in bed trying so hard to be aware right now. I can feel the smoothness of the sheets as they brush against my skin... It really exaggerates how hairy my legs are. Damn I should have shaved earlier. Well at lest I am alone right now so there is no one else to feel them. I will remember to put that on the to do list for tomorrow.

Okay audio sensations... I hear the occasional car pass by outside. It's honestly a soothing noise to me. Wait, that is the sound of carbon monoxide poising our environment. Do I find the sound of mother nature being brutally murdered soothing? I better keep that to myself.

Okay now focus on the visual stimuli... I see the tiny shadows made by the paint bumps on the ceiling. I remember as a child I used to imagine they were monsters and I felt scared at night. Wow, I can at least be grateful I don't deal with that anymore.

Okay focus on sounds again. Mmmmm the sweet sounds of mother nature dying... Jesus the bass of that passing car is pounding so hard I think I hear it rattling his license plate. Why the hell do guys think that is cool? 

Okay noticing my body sensations... Dammit I have to pee again. I just peed right before I got in bed. I need to quit drinking so much water at night. Just don't think about it. Okay relaxing my shoulders. I feel tension in my neck. It's actually kind of painful and I don't like it. Am I judging my pain? Do I think pain is good or bad? I know the right answer is both, wait it's neither, or maybe it is both and neither at the same time! #fuckyeahmiddlepath What the hell? Did I just think in hashtags?

Shit I keep getting distracted. Okay I need to expand my awareness outside my body. I will think about the universe. I am expanding my awareness to the entire universe. I realize I am a just a speck but still a part of it. Even the planets are specks. I guess that makes me a speck on a speck. Wow that is beautiful. I am putting the universe in my awareness. I am putting the universe in my mind. Maybe my mind is the universe... well my mind is my universe so maybe the universe is a figment of my imagination. Maybe nothing is real! Or is everything else real and I'm not?! Maybe I am enlightened! Or maybe I am disassociating! Or maybe I am both! Goddammit there's that fucking bass again!! Ouch my neck!! 




Sunday, October 7, 2012

Coming To *a bit graphic*


When I came to he was inside of me. He was obviously drunk, yelling nonsense and having the time of his life. As he was going at it I tried to orient myself with the room and what was happening. The lights wereout but I could tell by the moonlight that it was the fat guy from the next dorm room. I couldn’t remember his name. Lying on my back I gazed around to the side. I saw piles of dirty laundry on the floor, empty beer cans everywhere and a desk full of books. We must be on his bed. Although I was alarmed at first I knew this probably wasn’t rape. Often whenever I got drunk my clothes came off and I was willing to fuck anything that moved.

As he continued his drunken thrusting and howling away I could feel his stomach hanging rubbing up and down on my freshly pierced navel. It must have loosened the stud on the piercing because shortly after I heard the silver bead hit the hardwood floor. It bounced up and down. Slowly at first, then faster and faster until I heard it roll across the floor for what seemed like an eternity. The sound it made as it rolled away from the bed echoed through the room, even louder than the moaning. Staring at the ceiling I imagined how beautiful it must look gliding across the floor in the moonlight… I hope I can find it later.

I’m not sure how long he continued. I tried to enjoy it because I figured I was probably the one who asked for it. He kept telling me how hot I was and what a beautiful woman I was which I appreciated. When he finished he wanted to hold me while we slept which I also appreciated even though a part of me didn't want him to touch me ever again. I was still pretty buzzed and out of it. I wanted to stay up and talk about how much I hated god, not that I even thought he was real. I just hated the whole idea of him. It was a subject I was very passionate about at the time. He was tired though and he said he just wanted to hold me while we slept.

Note: For some reason I woke up this morning and wanted to write about this experience that happened when I was 18. I’m 26 now. It seems that as I move through this recovery process I remember these experiences from the past and I get the urge to write about them. I woke up today and I was randomly ready to process this and cry so I did. Maybe someday I will be ready to process the even darker experiences, maybe not. We will see…

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

No Thing Lasts Forever

I have never been the type of person that gets very attached to material things. I have always looked at people that do, perhaps a bit judgmentally, and thought it seems they are just setting themselves up for disappointment. Maybe the fact that I never had anything very nice growing up has helped with this attitude. Maybe it is also the fact that we moved a lot. I was constantly giving up things for the sake of mobility. Even if there were possessions I wanted to hold onto they were often lost or damaged in the move.

When I was about 16 my mom went in the hospital long term so we had to put all our stuff in storage while my siblings and I moved around. By the time we were ready to reunite our happy home I found out that my mom didn’t pay the storage bill so all our stuff was tossed out. Every memento, picture, letter, yearbook, childhood toy… gone. I wonder if it was auctioned off like on one of those reality shows. More than likely it was trashed because like I said we didn’t have nice things. “Oh well” I thought, “Less shit for me to keep up with". I will admit I did wish that I could have at least kept the teddy bear I had since I was born, or maybe my sketchbook that had all my best work but what could I do.

Today if I have something I am not using I give it away. What good does it do me, or anyone, sitting in the garage? When the things I like are destroyed I say “Oh well. It was good while it lasted.” I guess that is a more positive outlook than the one I had as a teenager.

Paint fades,
Glasses break,
Houses burn,
Sofas stain,
Wood scratches,
Pants tear,
Journals are lost,
Jewelry is stolen,
Cars rust,

This is their nature. Did you expect them to last forever?

They say matter cannot be created or destroyed but the forms it takes certainly can be! In fact change is inevitable. How much power are you giving to your possessions? Does your happiness depend on them? It is truly a set up because logically you know that no thing lasts forever. Why put your faith in it as if it will?

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Weighing on my Mind

I have decided to get rid of my scale. I'm getting back into eating healthy and exercising for the first time since I stopped having eating disorder issues. This past week I have only lost a couple pounds but I have already weighed myself more times than I care to admit. I know that is not healthy. I have told myself to stop but then I think well I will just do it one last time then from now on I will only do it once a week. My old pattern was to weigh myself constantly throughout the day. It seems like I have been weighing myself a lot this week because I am waiting for it to start working. I have never been into gambling but I imagine hitting the jackpot feels like when I step on the scale, look down and see that number shrink. It was really like an addiction for me. I would feel elated for awhile. Then I would become bored with my new weight. I would look around and feel hideous compared to all the other skinny girls then decide that it was time to lose more weight so I could feel good about myself again.

It's been a few years since I struggled with the severe body image issues, the restricting and the overexercising. It seemed like my issues with that just kind of went away... or at least I started focusing my attention on other destructive coping mechanisms instead. Since then I have avoided getting back into the gym and dieting because I know how addicting it feels for me. I have tried to not think about my weight and my physical health the past few years out of fear I would go back to that obsessive thinking. I feel like I am doing well enough in my recovery to start working on my physical health again. I will need to stay accountable to my friends, my family, the therapist and to you all to make sure I don't fall back into my old patterns. Maybe this will be an opportunity to finally be physically healthy for the sake of being healthy. I would also like it to be an opportunity for me to become more comfortable with myself and address those body image issues I have been trying to ignore the past few years.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A New Direction -> Random as Life

Thank GOD I never got that tattoo I wanted that said "FUCK ME!"

It hasn't even been a year since I started this blog and I am already wanting to change the title. I can't imagine how I would be feeling about now if I had that tattoo. Like I mentioned in my last post I am in a relationship now. The title no longer seems appropriate for where I am at.

The six months I spent single and focusing on myself was the best thing I ever did. It was the first time in my life that my mental health and recovery was my number one priority. I am so grateful for that time. I feel that I did gain the tools I needed to be healthy enough to be in a relationship.

There is a quote I like by And Rand that goes To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say the 'I'. In the past I had no idea who I was, so I let myself become whatever the person I was with thought of me. If he is annoyed at me, then I am annoying. If he says I'm pretty, then I am pretty. If he is checking out another girl, then I am hideous. If he wants to fuck me, I am sexy. If he doesn't want to fuck me, it's because I am undesirable and no one will want to.

That is a completely selfish and unrealistic way to behave in a relationship. As an adult I believe it is unreasonable and unfair to rely solely on another human being for your happiness and sense of worth. That is the attitude I used to have though and it completely destroys relationships. It led me to be jealous and controlling because my partner had to be "a certain way" in order for me to feel good about myself so I would do whatever I could to keep him "that way". That's not unconditional love.

I have learned to like who I am, regardless if anyone else does or not. I am worth more than just my ability to fuck. I have true friends now. In the past all I had were friends with benefits because I thought the only way I was worthy of anyone's time was if I was flirty with them. I have a life now because I pursue my own goals and the things I enjoy rather than try to make myself the person I think my partner wants me to be.

Recovery, from all addictive behaviors and mental health issues is and always will be a priority in my life. In fact I am still going to the SLAA meetings along with all my other meetings and therapy to help stay accountable. I am continually working to develop more healthy ways of seeing the world and to be aware if I am slipping back into my old patterns. I have been doing a lot of writing and I would like to start posting it in a blog. I thought about creating a new blog but I have decided to just keep posting on here and change the name. I don't need to compartmentalize myself. This blog is about my journey and my growth in all areas of my life. I just want a place to share my thoughts and experiences in writing whatever they may be. From now on you can expect this blog to be just as random as life.