Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A New Direction -> Random as Life

Thank GOD I never got that tattoo I wanted that said "FUCK ME!"

It hasn't even been a year since I started this blog and I am already wanting to change the title. I can't imagine how I would be feeling about now if I had that tattoo. Like I mentioned in my last post I am in a relationship now. The title no longer seems appropriate for where I am at.

The six months I spent single and focusing on myself was the best thing I ever did. It was the first time in my life that my mental health and recovery was my number one priority. I am so grateful for that time. I feel that I did gain the tools I needed to be healthy enough to be in a relationship.

There is a quote I like by And Rand that goes To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say the 'I'. In the past I had no idea who I was, so I let myself become whatever the person I was with thought of me. If he is annoyed at me, then I am annoying. If he says I'm pretty, then I am pretty. If he is checking out another girl, then I am hideous. If he wants to fuck me, I am sexy. If he doesn't want to fuck me, it's because I am undesirable and no one will want to.

That is a completely selfish and unrealistic way to behave in a relationship. As an adult I believe it is unreasonable and unfair to rely solely on another human being for your happiness and sense of worth. That is the attitude I used to have though and it completely destroys relationships. It led me to be jealous and controlling because my partner had to be "a certain way" in order for me to feel good about myself so I would do whatever I could to keep him "that way". That's not unconditional love.

I have learned to like who I am, regardless if anyone else does or not. I am worth more than just my ability to fuck. I have true friends now. In the past all I had were friends with benefits because I thought the only way I was worthy of anyone's time was if I was flirty with them. I have a life now because I pursue my own goals and the things I enjoy rather than try to make myself the person I think my partner wants me to be.

Recovery, from all addictive behaviors and mental health issues is and always will be a priority in my life. In fact I am still going to the SLAA meetings along with all my other meetings and therapy to help stay accountable. I am continually working to develop more healthy ways of seeing the world and to be aware if I am slipping back into my old patterns. I have been doing a lot of writing and I would like to start posting it in a blog. I thought about creating a new blog but I have decided to just keep posting on here and change the name. I don't need to compartmentalize myself. This blog is about my journey and my growth in all areas of my life. I just want a place to share my thoughts and experiences in writing whatever they may be. From now on you can expect this blog to be just as random as life.

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