Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Monsters

I'm laying in bed trying so hard to be aware right now. I can feel the smoothness of the sheets as they brush against my skin... It really exaggerates how hairy my legs are. Damn I should have shaved earlier. Well at lest I am alone right now so there is no one else to feel them. I will remember to put that on the to do list for tomorrow.

Okay audio sensations... I hear the occasional car pass by outside. It's honestly a soothing noise to me. Wait, that is the sound of carbon monoxide poising our environment. Do I find the sound of mother nature being brutally murdered soothing? I better keep that to myself.

Okay now focus on the visual stimuli... I see the tiny shadows made by the paint bumps on the ceiling. I remember as a child I used to imagine they were monsters and I felt scared at night. Wow, I can at least be grateful I don't deal with that anymore.

Okay focus on sounds again. Mmmmm the sweet sounds of mother nature dying... Jesus the bass of that passing car is pounding so hard I think I hear it rattling his license plate. Why the hell do guys think that is cool? 

Okay noticing my body sensations... Dammit I have to pee again. I just peed right before I got in bed. I need to quit drinking so much water at night. Just don't think about it. Okay relaxing my shoulders. I feel tension in my neck. It's actually kind of painful and I don't like it. Am I judging my pain? Do I think pain is good or bad? I know the right answer is both, wait it's neither, or maybe it is both and neither at the same time! #fuckyeahmiddlepath What the hell? Did I just think in hashtags?

Shit I keep getting distracted. Okay I need to expand my awareness outside my body. I will think about the universe. I am expanding my awareness to the entire universe. I realize I am a just a speck but still a part of it. Even the planets are specks. I guess that makes me a speck on a speck. Wow that is beautiful. I am putting the universe in my awareness. I am putting the universe in my mind. Maybe my mind is the universe... well my mind is my universe so maybe the universe is a figment of my imagination. Maybe nothing is real! Or is everything else real and I'm not?! Maybe I am enlightened! Or maybe I am disassociating! Or maybe I am both! Goddammit there's that fucking bass again!! Ouch my neck!! 




6 comments:

  1. Hey, I'm curious how it is with u and work. Do u feel satisfaction?? I feel that only when it's new, than I start hate it...
    Kisses
    Wiktoria

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    1. I can relate to jobs I have had in the past. I have lost track of how many jobs I've had. :-P

      I currently work for a company I have been with a few years but the owner is my ex that I get along with and I'm friends with everyone in the company so the situation is different for me now.

      I am planning on moving out of state in January so I will be getting a new job. I guess it will be an opportunity fr me to learn about myself and be aware of my reactions in a new work situation. I'm sure I will update on that later. I hope you find work that satisfies you. <3

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  2. You certainly are doing you best to help people understand mental illness. I admire your work. Maybe I should reach out a little. But where do you find the time to blog, youtube, and all the rest?

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    1. Thank you Bob! It can be hard to make time to get everything finished. I can say I am definitely never bored. I honestly have to schedule a lot of my activities, even enjoyable ones, to make sure I keep balance. Making a schedule is pretty important part of my life, even though I'm still not as good as I'd like to be at it. :)

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  3. Maybe awareness is not what you think. If you spend too much time trying to figure it out or discern it, probably it is robbing you. Stop trying to keep balance. Just live, and let your life flow - out of balance. THAT is okay because it is nature. Sometimes it is hardest to figure out that waking up and going to sleep and worrying about the things put in front of you are natural. It's okay to feel bad sometimes, and good sometimes. Stop trying to apologize for your feelings or justify them. Just realize they are part of you and your experience and they are taking you somewhere. That is how you will be true to yourself and find whatever happiness you are really seeking. Be happy!

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    1. I benefit greatly from practicing mindfulness and meditation in my life. It has been a key part of my recovery. I was laughing as I was writing this post. I was kind of making fun of myself. I am "happy" with my life now. I feel that I have peace and I am content. :)

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