Thursday, December 13, 2012

Self Preservation

Galen asked me last night "What were you thinking? Why would you drink Listerine? If the store stopped selling it you could have just gone to a bar to drink."

I can see now that when I decided to drink Listerine it was actually a twisted act of self preservation. As I walked out of the convenient store empty handed that night the thought did occur to me maybe I will go downtown and drink... or maybe I can find a bar around my house. I decided against it because I was afraid to. I knew the types of situations I got  into when I was drunk and unchaperoned in public.

I didn't feel like waking up in a strangers bed. I didn't feel like getting arrested for public intoxication or DWI. I didn't want to get into a wreck. I didn't want to get raped. I didn't want to end up spending the next several days missing and on a binge with strangers. I just wanted to go home, where I would be safe, and feel release from the intolerable consciousness of reality. I wanted to be the one in control. The only harm I wanted to experience would be at my own had.

Of course things still did not go quite the way I had planned that night. Once I start drinking things rarely ever do. I did end up in the hospital the next day but overall the biggest threat to my safety that night was me.

The world is poised and waiting to pounce on straggling young women roaming around in the dark. That night I decided that I didn't want to be ripped into pieces again.
_________________________________________
Note: This is the second post in a row related to my last hospital visit & relapse. I'm coming up on a year in serious recovery so I have been reflecting a lot on where I was, how I have changed and what areas I would like to improve. 

2 comments:

  1. Danielle,

    I have been following you on YouTube for a while now and I have to tell you, you have been a huge inspiration to me. I recently started my own blog in an attempt to deal with my own issues. I had been hiding my disorder from everyone out of fear of being stigmatized. You really helped me. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey I am going to try to start writing my blog, and I'll try to read your blogs. I forgot I even had this blog.

    ReplyDelete