Sunday, April 21, 2013

Where I am Today ~~~Stream of Consciousness~~~

Where am I today? ~~~~~~~

I am in a lawn chair.
Under the shade, under the tree, under the sky in Louisiana with the breeze, a slight chill, the ants and the birds.


My boyfriend, or more like my "manfriend", or partner or the one that I love, the person I'm with is upstairs inside our apartment. He is not feeling well. He's been physically feeling that way for a while. His back and neck are all fucked up. He needs to have surgeries. His mouth is all fucked up too. He will need surgeries on that also. His blood pressure has been beyond high, but thankfully we are finally getting that under control.

We can't afford all these surgeries. They say money can't buy happiness and I totally agree with such sentiments. I was with a rather well of financially set fellow (whom is that way in part due to me) before, but still as miserable as ever. Money can't buy bliss, but I will say that it can bring some relief to the stream of anxiety that flows through your mind when you are worried about the enormous bills that one faces in life. At times, such can be overwhelming, and maybe there is a certain minimum that people require, or maybe I just need to work on appreciating what I have in the present moment. Maybe both...

On top of his health problems I have some problems of my own. Mine involve my mental health. I have dealt with them most of my life and overall I am in a good place but I recently ran out of one of my meds. Maybe I'm experiencing some withdrawal since I was on that one for years. Maybe it's all the extra stress going on right now. Maybe it's a mix of lots of things...

Sometimes I want to cut myself. Sometimes I want to smash my head into the wall. Sometimes I want to drink. Sometimes I feel confused, disconnected from the world. Sometimes I am too easily offended and emotional. I'm doing my best to hold it together. I haven't done anything very harmful or destructive so I think I am doing well, especially considering where I have been in my life. I know this will not destroy me. I will not let it. I have that awareness now. 

I told my boyfriend, or manfriend, or whatever you want to call him, that we need to support each other right now. He agrees. I think our tendency has been to be defensive and attack. This is a rough time for both of us. We are also in a young relationship, we just moved in together. We need to work together to get through this rough time. Let it make us stronger. Let us build each other up instead of turning on each other. Let us not tear each other apart. It feels like the world is working hard enough at that anyway. Let's just cuddle under the covers, in our bed, under the roof we work so hard to afford.

I enjoy living by the lake. Living by the trees and sitting with the flowers. I am learning that there are some things that are so lovely and so breathtaking that they can't be put into pictures and words. Art is something lovely to be marveled at in it's own way, but the raw beauty of nature can't be captured and duplicated. It must be experienced first hand. "The finger that points to the moon is not the moon." I was sitting by the lake the other day and I thought about writing a poem to show people how peaceful and connected to the world I felt. I realized it would be a useless endeavor. First of all I am not the greatest poet. Secondly, even if I was, you can't have your own experience with the lake unless you experience the lake. 

I have been running again, rain or shine. I have been working on my art again, drawing and taking pictures, to convey my experiences through a new experience. I have been going to meetings, making friends. I started volunteering at the treatment centers here too.

I went to the office for students with disabilities at my school. They are supposed to link me to some resources in the area for discounted mental health care. I am also supposed to be getting some financial aid from the school soon. I think things will be alright.

I like going on walks with my love, experiencing the lake, the sky and the sunset together.

The sun is going down now. It's starting to get cold. A one legged blue bird is hopping along the sidewalk. I better go upstairs and see what the one I love is up to. It's about time for dinner. 

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